[INTRODUCTION]

Hal Elrod: Hello, friends, welcome to the Achieve Your Goals podcast. I’m your host, Hal Elrod, and in today’s episode, we are examining advice that we’ve all heard, but is it good advice? And that advice is cut toxic people out of your life. Now, that might sound callous or it might sound empowering. And sometimes, I do think it’s necessary to protect our well-being. But what if that advice isn’t complete? What if it isn’t the whole story? What if there’s a way to differentiate between truly toxic people, those who intentionally or repeatedly cause harm, those who thrive on manipulation, control, and negativity? And what about the other group that those who are just difficult, difficult people? They lack self-awareness. They struggle with negativity or complaining, and they may be in need of support. And what if you were put in someone’s life, not to distance yourself from their negativity, but you help them evolve, grow, and heal?

In fact, what if the people in your life who drain your energy are there for a reason and a reason that’s actually beneficial for both you and them? Yes, I’m going there. I promise, by the end of this episode, you might just look at your difficult people and the difficult relationships in your life in a completely new light. In fact, in today’s episode, we’ll consider the surprising benefits, yes, benefits of dealing with challenging relationships, the fine line between setting boundaries and cutting ties and how showing up for others, even when it’s hard, can help you grow into a stronger, more compassionate, and capable version of yourself.

And plus, I will share personal stories and examples. I’ll give you some action steps and thought-provoking questions that will help you reframe how you approach difficult relationships in your life. And by the end of the episode, you’ll be equipped with a new perspective and a few tools to handle the toxic and difficult people in your life in ways that will be transformative for both you and for them. I know that’s a big promise to make, but I am confident in what you’re about to hear.

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All right, let’s get into it. Should we cut toxic people out of our lives forever? How do we determine whether someone is truly toxic and we should avoid them, or just difficult and in need of our compassion and support? And how do we handle each type of person? You’re about to learn all of it and a lot more. Here we go.

[INTERVIEW]

Hal Elrod: Okay, so let’s start with the obvious. We’ve all been told that if someone is negative or complains a lot or brings you down, you should just remove them from your life. In fact, I’ve probably shared that advice a time or two, or at least something similar to that. And look, sometimes that’s good advice. If somebody is abusive or manipulative or consistently harming your mental health, setting boundaries is crucial. There’s no argument there. But here’s the thing. Not everyone who annoys you or drains your energy or complains is actually toxic. Sometimes they’re just struggling. They’re human. And brace yourself, what if you were put in their life to help them?

Now, you may have heard Jim Rohn’s famous quote. I quote this a lot, and I’ve lived by it for 25 years. And the quote is, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” I think it’s a really valuable concept. In fact, again, I’ve lived by it for probably 25 years by now. But here’s the flip side. What if you’re one of the five for someone else? Think about that for a second. What if your strength, your patience and example are exactly what they need to see what’s possible in their own life? So, what if someone sees you as the person who inspires them to aim higher, to shift their mindset, to overcome their challenges? They look up to you. They see that you’re positive and they’re struggling and they want to be more like you and they want you in their life. That is the flip side.

Now, I’ll give you an example. A few years ago, I had someone close to me who was, well, let’s just say glass-half-empty kind of person. Complained constantly. Couldn’t see the good in anything. And I’ll admit, it was draining. To be fair, they were diagnosed with bipolar disorder and they were struggling in a lot of ways. Nonetheless, talking to them was just, it was draining, right? And my first instinct was, I need to spend less time with this person. I need to distance myself.

But then I asked myself, what if I’m here to be a source of positivity for them? What if I am one of the five people that they need in their life to help them grow? And one day, that person called me. In fact, I remember exactly where I was, driving my car in Sacramento, California. I was getting onto the 5 Freeway North. I remember the moment. When I looked at their phone… my phone rang and I looked at my phone and I saw their name on my caller ID. And again, my first instinct was to let the call go on voicemail. I’m like, I can’t talk to this person right now.

And then I remembered, wait, how can I add value for them? Maybe they’re calling because they need me. So, I got on the phone, I talked to them. They were complaining, they were sharing challenges. But here’s what’s crazy, is because I was approaching it not from a, oh, woe is me. They’re complaining to me and they’re draining me, but oh, they need me. They’re calling me because they need me and I’m going to see how I can add value for them right now. Completely shifted my mindset and how I approached the call. So, I was really open and I was empathetic and I was there for them and I shared some advice. I helped them with a new perspective.

And here’s the craziest part. It was probably five years after that that I hosted my first ever live event, the Best Year Ever Blueprint in San Diego, California, 2013 or ‘14, I think. And they were there. And in fact, I invited them for a prize game of free ticket. I knew they needed some positive energy in their life. Still, that much later, and they showed up at the event and they pulled me aside in the lobby and they said, “Hal, you probably don’t remember this.” And interesting enough, it’s the exact story I just told you, but it’s their side of it. So, I totally remembered it. I was like, “You know, that was a defining moment in my life where I realized that my purpose is to add value for other people, whether I feel like it or not.” It was a real defining moment in my life.

But they said, “Hal, I was thinking about suicide that day. I was contemplating committing suicide. I was the closest I’d ever been. I was planning on how I would do it. And you were the most positive person I know.” So, they said, “I called you to, like, I guess deep down, I was hoping you would say something that would save my life. And you did.” They said, “The advice you gave me, the perspective you shared, it changed my perspective.” And they said, “I decided, I’m not going to commit suicide. My life is worth living. There’s hope for my future.”

And y’all think about that, like, because I applied the advice that I’m sharing in today’s episode, it might have saved that person’s life. And that’s a dramatic, profound example, right? I mean, you might not save somebody’s life, but you could change somebody’s life. You could help somebody, right? And Dr. Brené Brown says that we are wired for connection. And think about this. Sometimes the people who need connection the most are the ones who seem the hardest to connect with.

I heard Stephanie, who’s on our team. She helps to manage our social media. And I’m trying to remember how she said it earlier today. I was talking to her about this, and she said, “Sometimes the people that need the most love are the most unlovable,” right? Or it was something like that. Or they asked for it in the most unloving or unlovable way, something like that. But again, so I’ll just say that people who need connection the most are the ones who seem the hardest to connect with. Their negativity or complaining might be a symptom of deeper pain or fear or insecurity. And what if your willingness to hold space for them is the lifeline that they need?

Now, I want to address something really important right now, and some of you are already thinking about this, possibly. It’s the difference between toxic people and difficult people. Some of you might be going, Hal, you might feel triggered, like no, toxic people, you should not keep them in your life. Okay, let’s talk about this. So, let’s take a moment to clarify something important. There is a difference, a big difference between toxic people and difficult people. And the two terms are often used interchangeably, but they’re not the same thing. And understanding this distinction can help you approach your relationships with greater clarity, with more empathy.

Here’s the difference. So, toxic people are individuals who intentionally or repeatedly cause harm, whether it’s emotional or mental or even physical. Toxic people thrive on manipulation, on control, negativity. They drain your energy. And this is important. They ignore boundaries, and they often show little regard for how their actions affect other people. Think of someone who consistently or constantly belittles you, gaslights you, or brings chaos into your life on purpose. They thrive on it. And so, yes, with toxic people, the best move is usually to set firm boundaries or in some cases, walk away altogether.

Now, difficult people, on the other hand, are often just human. They may have bad habits. They may struggle with negativity or lack of self-awareness, but they’re not intentionally malicious. That is the distinction. Difficult people can be overly critical, overly pessimistic, or just plain stubborn. But their behavior is usually rooted in their struggles, not in a desire to harm others. Therein lies the fundamental difference. And these are the people who might actually benefit from your patience, your compassion, your leadership, your love.

Here’s an example. Imagine a coworker who’s always negative during meetings. If they’re toxic, they might sabotage your work or spread harmful gossip about you. But if they’re simply difficult, they might just be overwhelmed, insecure, or unaware of how their attitude impacts others. One requires distance for your own well-being. The other might require a little extra understanding and empathy to bring out the best in that person. And it matters because how you approach each person, each type of person is different. Toxic people call for strong boundaries and sometimes detachment, while difficult people might just need a little grace guidance and a good example to follow. So, the next time you’re dealing with someone challenging, ask yourself, are they toxic? Are they malicious? Are they intentionally trying to create destruction in my life? Or are they just difficult? Or do they lack self-awareness? And what can I do to respond in a way that aligns with my values, your values, and helps you to grow?

All right. I’m going to share one of the stories. So, years ago, there was a couple that my wife and I would spend time with, and every time we hung out, they argued like, I mean, really uncomfortable arguing. And it was constantly, even if we were in public at a restaurant, they would just start arguing, the rest didn’t matter. It was uncomfortable. And my gut reaction was, why are we doing this to ourselves? My wife and I would have discussions like, “Should we remove these people from our lives?” But then I realized or we realized, I don’t know who thought of it first, my wife and I, maybe our role wasn’t to judge them or cut them out. Maybe it was to model a different way of communicating. Think about that.

So, instead of avoiding them, we actually leaned in and we modeled rather than judged and condemned and told them they were wrong and shamed them. We just modeled good communication and we would intentionally tell stories of how we got an argument over this thing and we were fighting, right? We kind of start where they are, and then we would talk about how we worked through it. And in doing so, we were giving them an example to follow. We were literally teaching them tools without being preachy, right? Through the art of storytelling, we were teaching them tools. They’re like, “Oh, wow. We get in those kinds of arguments. Maybe we could try what y’all tried and that worked for you.” And over time, those awkward nights spent with them started to shift. They begin asking us questions. They got actually curious about how we handle disagreements. And slowly, they started changing. Was it easy? No, not initially. But was it worth it? Absolutely.

All right. I want to challenge you right now. I’m going to ask you a question. Okay? Challenge you a little bit, maybe challenge your ego, challenge your… I don’t know what I’m challenging or challenging you. Here’s the question. Are you strong enough to handle difficult people? And the other way to ask that would be like, are you too weak, right? I’m not going to say it that way, but I threw it out there. Like, are you not strong enough to handle difficult people? So, look, dealing with difficult people isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes patience, emotional strength, and let’s be honest, a sense of humor.

But let me ask you something. Are you strong enough? Are you brave enough to take on the challenge of being there for a person who is not easy to be there for? Because here’s the thing, it’s not about them. It’s actually about you. Now, I would argue it’s about both. But let me explain what I mean by that. When you learn to hold your ground in the face of someone’s negativity, you’re not just helping them. You are building your own resilience. Think about it. Every time you choose compassion over frustration, you’re working a different kind of muscle. Your mental and emotional fitness gets stronger. Yeah, it’s like going to the gym, but instead of lifting weights, you’re lifting someone else’s mood or lifting their perspective. And trust me, that’s a workout. You know that’s a workout. That’s why you want to avoid these people because it’s exhausting, right? But you might walk away from the interaction, feeling like you just ran a marathon with ankle weights on. But guess what? You’ve grown and you’ve helped them.

Here’s a playful way to look at it. Difficult people are like the boss levels in a video game, right? You played video games when you were younger, or maybe now. The ones that test every skill you’ve learned so far when you get to the boss at the end of a level and you can’t skip them if you want to win, right? You can’t skip them if you want to win the game. They’re there to help you level up. So, next time you find yourself face to face with someone who’s impossible to please or endlessly complains, ask yourself, am I going to give up on this level or am I going to show up, learn the strategy, or utilize my skills, rise to the occasion, and come out stronger on the other side?

And let’s not forget the benefits. When you learn to navigate challenging relationships, you’re not just helping that one person. You’re setting yourself up for success in every area of your life. You become better at handling conflict, more empathetic in your relationships, and more grounded under pressure. These are the skills that pay dividends in your career, as a parent, with your family, and let’s face it, your sanity.

All right, so here’s my playful challenge to you. The next time you’re dealing with a difficult person, treat it like a game. Can you stay calm when they’re trying to push your buttons or unconsciously pushing your buttons? Can you find humor in the situation instead of frustration? Can you respond with kindness when your instinct is to roll your eyes? If you can, you win. You win the game and the prize, a stronger, more patient, and more compassionate version of yourself. I don’t know about you. I think that’s a pretty epic reward. Don’t you think?

All right. So, before you remove someone from your life because of their faults or inadequacies, in fact, or I want you to consider, are there people in your life right now, is there someone that you have removed because you don’t feel great around them? They drain your energy. Again, not a toxic person that manipulates you and tries to harm you intentionally, that’s a toxic person, but someone who really struggles in their life and they’re kind of negative or really negative and they complain and not like… right? And they don’t even take your advice because they don’t know how, like whatever it is.

So, before you remove someone or consider someone you’ve already removed, ask yourself these questions. Number one, am I strong enough to be a source of light for this person who is struggling? Am I strong enough to be a source of light for this person who is struggling? Number two, can I lead by example without letting someone’s negativity bring me down? That’s such a big one, right? Can you stand in the face of their negative energy and be such a light that you can lead by example and not let their energy bring you down? And number three, is this relationship with this person… having you pick one, there’s probably more than one, but start with one. Get that person in your mind if you don’t have them already. Is this relationship an opportunity for me to grow in patience, empathy, and love? Ask yourself that question.

So, number one, am I strong enough to be a source of light for someone who’s struggling for this person? Can I lead by example without letting someone’s negativity bring me down? And is this relationship an opportunity for me to grow in patience, empathy, and love? And I got one more. Here’s a big one. What if the people you find most challenging are actually your greatest teachers? Think about that for a second. What if their presence in your life is helping you grow into the best, most capable version of yourself to develop that patience, kindness, emotional intelligence, unconditional love? You name it.

All right. Let’s get practical. I’m going to… well, if this resonates with you, this episode resonates with you, here are three steps that you can take. Okay? Number one, set boundaries without cutting ties. If someone’s behavior is truly draining, establish clear boundaries. This isn’t cutting them off. It’s about protecting your energy while still being a positive influence. Now, again, if they are toxic, we talked about the significant differences between toxic and difficult. If they’re toxic, by all means, remove them. Eliminate them. Distance yourself from them. But you may have someone in your life that you have labeled toxic that’s actually just difficult. Again, the difference being their intention. A difficult person is someone who is struggling in their own right. They’re negative. They might have negative behavior or beliefs. They drain your energy, but not out of… they’re not malicious. And that is the difference. Someone who’s toxic is manipulative, narcissistic, evil, if you will. Maybe not evil. That’s harsh. That’s strong. But you get the point, right? So, set boundaries without cutting ties.

Number two, lead by example. We just talked about this. Model the mindset, the behavior, the attitude, the energy that you want to see in others. And in doing so, you affect their mindset, attitude, and behavior, right? And then, number three, practice compassion. This is important. Remind yourself that everyone is fighting battles that you can’t see. I have a shirt that says that on the back. Everyone, it says, be kind on the front. And then it literally says everyone is fighting a battle that you can’t see on the back. And whenever we’re out to the airport, I always get stops. People appreciate the shirt because they resonate with that, because they’re probably fighting their own battle, right? They’re fighting their own. So, remind yourself that everyone’s fighting battles you can’t see, and a little kindness and patience can go a long way in helping someone turn their life around.

And if you’re feeling bold, here’s my real action step for everybody, for you. If you’re feeling bold, reach out to someone you’ve been avoiding. Not the toxic abuser, but the friend or family member, like that friend that called me that I had been avoiding because he was so draining to me. But reach out to someone you’ve been avoiding, the friend or family member you’ve written off as negative, and send them a kind text. Let them know you care. That’s it. Simple. You might be surprised at the impact that it has.

All right. In closing, what do you think? Does this perspective resonate with you. Now, are you willing to see toxic people in your life through a new lens or difficult people through a new lens? And if this episode gave you a new way to think about relationships, I’d love to hear from you. Shoot me a message on Instagram or reply to my email. Or better yet, share this episode with someone you think might benefit from it. And let’s keep spreading those positive ripples. Thank you for tuning in. Goal achievers, I love you and remember, your best is yet to come. I will see you next time.

[END]