Episode 231: Why We Should Stop Judging People (and what you can do instead)

Hal: This episode of the Achieve Your Goals Podcast is brought to you by the Best Year Ever Blueprint Live Experience. This is not a commercial. This is just your friend, Hal. I’m talking. But, yeah, the Best Year Ever Blueprint. Tickets are on sale at BestYearEverLive.com. This is our once a year event and I’m pumped. It was a little premature probably in talking about it because although the website is up, me and my buddy and partner, Jon Berghoff, have talked about how the website, we’re redoing it. It does a terrible job right now of telling what makes the Best Year Ever Blueprint so unique and special and different from other events – Is that not good to say? Should I not be saying, “Go to our website. It’s terrible.” It’s not terrible but anyway, it just needs to be better so, yeah, but you could check it out, BestYearEverLive.com. We’ve got 250 people, roughly 260 I think from last year’s event that have already signed up for this year’s event so that’s a good sign like they were there live last year, of the 300 people that were there like 260 signed up for this year’s event so that’s good and this year I think we’re in a bigger room. We’re going to fit closer to 400, like 350 or something.

 

So, anyway, it’ll solve it quick. Check out BestYearEverLive.com and there are regular tickets and there are entrepreneur tickets so if you want to go to the two-day event, Best Year Ever Blueprint, the two-day event, great. If you are an entrepreneur which more than half of our attendees always are, roughly two-thirds I guess or three-fourths, there’s an opportunity where there’s a third day. It’s called Entrepreneur Day and we always bring in seven-figure, eight-figure really epic entrepreneurs to speak at the Entrepreneur Day. All right. That’s my off the hit commercial for Best Year Ever Blueprint.

 

Today, we’re going to talk about why we should stop judging people. I did a Facebook Live last week and that was what I talked about. I just kind of go in the moment like what’s on my heart, what do I want to share with people, and that was the topic. And after I did the video throughout the rest of the day, I’m going, “Oh, shoot. I should’ve mentioned that. I should’ve talked about that. Darn it, I didn’t even think to tell that story. That would’ve been a good one.” And so, because of that, there’s a 20-minute video and I went all over the place as I usually do as though ADHD, but I thought, “I want to do a podcast on this. It’s such an important topic and why we should stop judging people,” and I don’t know if that’s the title could be on the other end like why we should love people, why should we love people unconditionally?

 

So, I’ll tell you a quick story. This was one that I thought, “Gosh, I should’ve told this story,” on the video but I didn’t so here you go. I was playing basketball with a buddy of mine, a friend from high school, Brian, and we were playing basketball. We had reconnected after being out of touch for a few years and we were playing basketball near my apartment. This was when I was 20 I think, maybe 21 and another friend of mine showed up and this was back when I was selling Cutco and my other buddy he sold Cutco too and he was one of the top reps and Brian had never met him before. Brian is a sweet guy and actually they’re both great guys and so my other friend gets out of the car and he comes with basketball court and he starts talking and basically he kind of talked at us if you will for probably five minutes or so and he was talking about, “Oh dude, I did this and I went and sold and this lady, man, she bought a bunch of knives from me and da, da, da, da,” and he just was kind of just talking about himself if you will which I still do that but we all are I think but he basically talked at us for five minutes. There might have been a hint of, I don’t know, arrogance or cockiness, I’m not sure, and then he’s like, “Okay. I got to go, guys. Have fun,” and he took off. And my buddy, Brian, said, “Hal, I don’t mean this the wrong way. I don’t mean to be offensive,” but he said, “Do you really like that guy?” And well I said, “Yeah. He’s great. Of course. Why do you say that?” He’s like, “Ah, he just kind of seems kind of cocky and kind of arrogant and materialistic. I don’t know man. I don’t know him. It was only five minutes or whatever, but I just got that impression.”

 

And it’s been so long 15, 18 years or something. I don’t remember the word for word what was said but essentially I said which is how I felt for a long time, I said, “We’re all human beings and we all are we’re just trying to meet our needs. We’re trying to get love. We’re trying to feel significant, feel important, and feel connected to other human beings,” and I said, “That’s his way of doing that and why would I dislike him for that? Why would I judge him for that?” I think very often when other people are brash or arrogant or loudly, we tend to be like, “Oh, screw them. I’m not like oh, they’re trying to be important. I’m not going to make them feel important because that’s what they want,” and it’s kind of what I relate to him and I said, “But why would I deny that? If he has his own insecurities and he’s trying to feel important and the way he does it is by talking about his accomplishments? Why would I judge him for that? Why would I hold that back? Why not just give him that? If he’s trying to feel important and that’s how he does it, that’s the way he knows how, he doesn’t know a better way and the way he knows it offends you.”

 

For me, from a place of unconditional love for all human beings, we’re going to be a little hippie on this episode, but from a place of unconditional love for all human beings I want to make him feel important and make him feel loved. And so, if he does it by being a little bit arrogant, a little bit cocky, as long as it’s not mean-spirited and trying to hurt other people, we’re going to get into that by the way, we’re going to get into what if people are mean-spirited? What if they’re angry? What if they’re hurtful? I mean, we’re going to go a little deeper but I’m starting on this surface with a story and I said, “Yeah. I’m going to do everything I can to help him meet his needs for love and connection and significance.” And so, I want to pause and ask you who are the people in your life maybe at your work or in your world that rubbed you the wrong way? That you feel like they’re arrogant or they’re cocky or they’re rude or they’re this or they’re that because of what they say and what they do. And here’s a big picture challenge for all of us.

 

Consider this, have you ever said or done anything that didn’t reflect who you truly are at a deep level? Maybe you’re in a social situation and you were nervous or you’re insecure or whatever, and so you talked. You were nervous and you’re trying to impress people or whatever and then you walked away going, “Oh what an idiot, why did I say that?” That’s just one example of how we say and do things because we’re human. We make mistakes. We say and do things based on our humanity, based on our insecurities, based on our fears, based on even just in the moment being excited, whatever the reason is. We say and do things that aren’t a reflection of who we truly are at the deepest level at our core, our values, our heart, our soul, and I feel like actions may speak louder than words. There’s that old cliché, that old adage, action speaks louder than words, but only a person’s deepest, truest, heartfelt, soulful intentions and values really to me reveal their soul.

 

Actions speak louder than words but only who a person truly is at their core reveals their soul and very rarely can you figure that out from what they say and what they do on a surface level. It really takes getting to know someone at a very deep level and most of us rather make a quick snap judgment about a person. “She is rude, he’s cocky, she’s a b****.” Sorry. Pardon my French. She’s this. She’s that. Most of us will make these judgments and so what we’re going to talk about today is what are those judgments doing to us? How are they hurting us? How are they hurting our relationships and what’s an alternative? Instead of judging people, if we don’t have the time obviously to get to know everybody at a deep, deep heartfelt soulful level that could take weeks or months or years, who’s got that kind of time? So, what’s an alternative? What is an alternative to that?

 

Well, here’s the starting place. I’d love for you to consider this and to me, this is a big picture philosophy that has really changed my life. In fact, when I was inducted into the Cutco Hall of Fame and I was supposed to give my “thank you speech”, I thought I don’t want to just give a thank you speech like, yes, I do want to thank my families here and my colleagues and the mentors that I would not be here without them, I want to acknowledge all of those people for sure. Don’t get me wrong. I think that was early on when I was like got this place in my heart like I want to add value for people. What can I do to add value? And so, I asked myself, “Of all the ways that I looked at the world, what do I feel like gives the most valuable?” And what I came up with wrong or right was I thought I truly love all people unconditionally and I try to look layer after layer after layer beneath the surface of what they say, what they do, and really try to deeply understand as a human being who are they at their soul, at their soul level?

 

And so, that’s what I talked about in my speech is that and I can’t remember how it went but essentially, I said, “Guys, we judge other people but,” and here’s the big picture, here’s the big philosophy that I want to relate to you and I think it started that day when I was prepping for that speech is this, “Any other person on the planet,” now let me with extreme for a second. I’m talking about murderers, people that have murdered – in fact, I’m going to probably offend some folks here but hopefully by the end, we’ll all be on the same page. As an example, I’m talking about extremes. Now, we will make a judgment that they are a horrible person. Most of us judge other people based on our life experiences as they are this, they are that. They’re a horrible person, they’re evil, they’re this, they’re that. So, here’s the big picture idea. Consider that if you would’ve lived another person’s life there is a very good chance that you would be exactly the same. I’ll say that again. Consider that if you had lived another person’s life, I’m talking about people that do even extreme things, we can start with your annoying colleague that you can’t stand and you think they’re a jerk so consider that had you lived their life, there is a very good chance that you would be, say, and do exactly the same thing and be the same person.

 

Take an extreme example of someone that harms, physically harm someone else. You think they’re an evil bad person. I condemn them, I judge them, I wish nothing but terrible things for them because they’ve done terrible things to other people. Consider that if you had lived that person’s life, if you were born with their brain, if you were raised by the same parents or lack thereof, if you had the same influences in terms of their family, their friends, their culture, if you had suffered the same tragedies or the same trauma or just any of the same experiences, in other words, if you were them and not you, consider that there is a very good chance that you would behave exactly the same. It’s easy to say from our vantage point, “I would never do that. They’re a terrible person because they did that or they said that. I would never do that.”

 

Well, yeah, based on your life experiences and the moral compass that your life has given to you or that you derived from your life experiences based on the influences in your life, it’s easy to judge other people based on our life experience but we literally have no way of knowing. We have no way of knowing. It’s literally impossible to know that if you were them and you lived their life that you would not be exactly the same. There’s no way for us to know that. We don’t know the chemical makeup in their brain. There’s no way for us to know. So, if we can start there, if we can start there and realize that then I think that’s a starting place to love all people and you go, “That’s an interesting perspective like, yeah, I might be exactly the same.” So, maybe instead of judging other people, maybe I should seek empathy. So, I would invite you to consider replacing your judgments with empathy. I would consider you to strive to love all people unconditionally and here’s the thing. The problems with judgment when we judge others, we create unnecessary and unhealthy feelings of resentment, anger, condemnation, hatred, and just other forms of negativity that separate us not only from each other but from love in general, judgment divides us.

 

Now if you look at on a global scale, judgment causes war. It causes separation. It causes hatred. It divides us. That’s what judgment does. So, you can look on a global scale and look at what it’s done, how many lives has cost us. I mean, how much hatred there are from countries because we’re different and we judge, they’re wrong, or they judge us on and on. But then on a personal scale, it’s just a microcosm of that global scale. Some things you might consider or you might wonder or you might object, well, okay what if another person what if they’re mean or they’re evil or they’ve done something to wrong you? So, A, there’s A. There’s a first thing. What if they’ve done something intentionally to wrong you? How could you not judge them that they’ve intentionally done?

 

Again, if you had been that person, and you felt the way they felt, you feared what they feared, you’re trying to meet the needs they’re trying to meet, you had their influences kind of like imagine if I don’t know what it’s like to grow up in a gang where all your friends are gang members. I’d imagine I’d be a different person if I grew up where I was surrounded by violence and hatred and fear. I would imagine if I grew up in that life and I’m very blessed and thankful that I didn’t, but I’d imagine that I probably be very different. If I grew up without parents or even without one of my parents, I’d imagine there’s a good chance I’d be different. I would be different. So, if someone sent something hurtful to you by having anger toward them, first and foremost, that only hurts us. Whatever negative emotion we carry towards another person which is what judgment presents typically for us as some form of negative emotion, now it could be minor like that person’s an idiot so maybe your negative emotion is kind of minor like it’s kind of an annoyance or it could be I hate that person that did this to me or to someone I love or to my family. It could be a really deep hurtful emotion based on a very profound judgment and so that’s one way that it hurts us.

 

Now, so if you ask yourself if someone’s done something to hurt you, consider it and I’m going to give you a very real example of this here in a second, a real-life story, this is the one that I shared on a video that I did the other day and it’s when I was hit by the drunk driver. He almost ruined my life and it broke my bones this and that. In fact, I’ll go in this in a second, but I want to just prep us with one more potential objection which is, what if the person isn’t sorry or remorseful? That typically makes it much harder to forgive and one of the opposites of judgment, love is one opposite, empathy is an opposite, forgiveness that was also in the realm of opposites of judgment. And so, you think, well, now if someone does something and then they are genuinely sorry, it’s easier to forgive them and to let go of a judgment that you might have typically. I mean that’s easier if someone is genuinely remorseful. Now, what if someone isn’t remorseful at all? Great question. So, what if someone is like, yeah, I screwed you and I don’t care. I hurt you and I’m glad. That probably you’d imagine would be much harder to forgive or let go of judgment when they weren’t remorseful. If they are remorseful and they’re very genuinely sorry, it’s probably easier to let it go.

 

So, when I was 20 years old, now if you know me, you know my story, A, you probably know this part of the story, B, if you’re like some of my friends are like, “Dude, I don’t want to hear about your car accident anymore, dude. God, we’ve heard it for like 20 years.” This is an important part of the story. This is the part that I don’t actually tell very often and that is that I went to court. I had to be at court for the sentencing and a hearing if you will of the drunk driver and so this drunk driver is 31 years old. He hit me. He obviously had a few drinks. His car hit my car. I broke I think it was 11 bones. I was told I would never walk again and this was probably I think I was out of the hospital seven weeks after the crash. I think I had just gotten out of the hospital when his hearing occurred. So, I was out of the hospital. Roughly, the accident was a couple of months. I was at a hospital for a week or so and my brain damage was very prevalent, and I slurred my speech. I couldn’t form coherent like sentences or not very well, not just because of the slurred speech but because of the brain damage. I had no short-term memory, so I literally forget what I was talking about midsentence quite often throughout the day all day long.

 

So, my parents spoke on my behalf. I kind of expressed my thoughts and my wishes and my requests to my parents and they spoke on my behalf to the judge. And what they shared which was my request was – so the sentence, the maximum sentence was three years in prison. Now, again, the drunk driver he was 31 years old. He had two small children I think like three and five, something like that. He was married. He didn’t speak English, so I can never communicate face-to-face. However, the prosecutor explained that the drunk driver he showed no remorse so zero remorse. Through all of her conversation, he showed no remorse for what he did to Hal Elrod. That’s what was said by the prosecutor. And so, there was that. This is probably going back to that. That’s why I brought up the remorse. Even if somebody doesn’t show any remorse thing, so again I think, “Wow. What a jerk. He potentially ruined your life. You’re 20 years old, potentially ruined your life. You’re told you’re never going to walk again. What a jerk.” You could have some negative feelings and I know my parents had some negative feelings towards him. In fact, I don’t remember exactly but I think there might be a good chance that they had a different opinion on what we should say to the judge.

 

So, my wishes that my parents expressed were that I didn’t see a significant benefit for putting him in prison for three years. Now, I did think there was a benefit to him doing some time in prison because I think that just so this didn’t happen again, him having time to sit in prison and reflect on what he had done, I thought there was probably value in that. I’m 20 years old. What do I know? But I thought there was value in that, but I thought that extended period of time I thought, A, his poor kids they would be suffering significantly theoretically, I don’t know, but this is what I requested. I said, “My thought was they’d be suffering significantly by their dad being gone during these formative years for three years. That’s a long time to be without your father and have your dad in prison.”

 

So, I was thinking of the kids as well. I thought it also, I didn’t know how much it would benefit him to be in prison for an extended period of time so my request that my parents relay to the judge was Hal would like to see the drunk driver, I won’t say his name, but to get six months in prison and then serve the remaining two-and-a-half years speaking regularly at high schools and/or colleges or whatever, the high schools I think was the request, sharing his story and the consequences of drinking and driving and trying to – so I thought, why not have a proactive message to help students prevent this from happening again instead of him, for lack of a better term, rotting in prison for three years and being away from his kids? So, that was my request, six months in prison, two-and-a-half years of I guess you could call it community service but specifically speaking at high schools sharing his story and the message against drinking and driving.

 

So, the judge did not go for that and just said, “No, you’re getting three years in prison.” The judge didn’t feel like doing some sort of creative sentence I guess so he got three years in prison. So, anyway, back to the theme of this podcast. I had no ill will toward the drunk driver. I had no judgment toward him. First and foremost, he drank alcohol and he got behind the wheel of a car, not a smart decision but he didn’t set out to hurt me. So, that was the first piece. Like looking at really and this is just kind of thinking past the surface level. It kinds of go back to not judging other people because, A, how do you live their life, you might be exactly the same way and, B, looking at what needs are they trying to meet, what hurdle they’re overcoming and you don’t always know that. So, to me, the default is, “You know what, I’m going to love them unconditionally and wish the best for them,” like that’s my wish for all people.

 

And so, with the drunk driver, A, though, yeah, he didn’t try to hurt me. He got behind the wheel of a car after drinking alcohol, not the smartest decision. He didn’t have any vengeful feelings towards me. Now, let’s say he did. It would be the same outcome for me emotionally was I forgive him for whatever reason if someone tried to hurt me it would be it’s whatever. So, for me, I have just love for him as a human being and for him as a father and for him as a son, and for him whatever, so there’s no judgment and here’s the beauty of that. So, therefore, all the negative aspects of judging other people and holding onto resentment and anger, I have a friend who was also hit by a drunk driver and in the past this friend, I’ve seen a post on Facebook, “It’s the anniversary of my accident with my drunk driver. I hope that person is burning in hell.” It’s saddened me. I love my friend and it saddens me that they’re still holding onto this deep-seated anger and hatred for this person. That’s hurting them, my friend. It’s hurting my friend. The drunk driving accident happened years ago but because they’re still holding onto this judgment and it’s creating these feelings of hatred, that’s what judgment does to us. It manifests itself in the form of all sorts of negativity.

 

And you think about why do we judge? Like, we judge people that do something that violates our expectations for example. When somebody cuts you off in traffic you go, “Son of a…” Have you never done that? You’d never been running like, like come on who is not been running late somewhere and been like, “I’ve got to get there. I’ve got to get ahead. I’ve got to get in this lane or whatever.” Accidentally or intentionally, whatever, you cut somebody up because you’re like you’ve got to meet the need of getting to your location and you’re like whenever I cut somebody off, I’m not like, “Screw you.” I’m like, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did that. I’ve got to get somewhere. I hope you can forgive me.” But people had such anger toward – I’ve had people just like you ever had somebody chase you on the freeway or maybe you’re that person that chases somebody down just so you can yell at them and flip them off.

 

Like what? Dude, let it go. They’ve obviously there’s some reason they got in a lane in front of you. Maybe it was a good reason, maybe it wasn’t. But live your life in kind of this unconditional love forcefield where you’re like, “No matter what anyone ever does to me, I’m not going to pass judgment on them. I’m not going to have anger towards them. That doesn’t serve me. It doesn’t serve them. It doesn’t serve the people around me. I don’t know if it serves anybody. I don’t know if it serves anybody.” So, why do we judge? We judge people because when they do something that violates our expectations, we judge someone that does something that violates our values. We just talk about that quite a bit but if they violate our value, it might not be their values. Maybe they don’t have the same values as you because they didn’t live the life you lived and have those values instilled? Maybe the people in their lives that influenced them had the opposite value? Who knows? It doesn’t mean that they don’t deserve to be loved or accepted.

 

Again, replace your judgment with empathy rather than go, “I hate them or what a jerk or what an A-hole, whatever.” I’d rather go, “I wonder why they did that?” I hope whatever caused them to do that thing if you’re spiritual or religious, you can say a prayer for them, but I’d rather pray for them than judge them or condemn them and then, oh, we judge people that are different. I was sitting and I’m guilty of this by the way. I’m not impervious but I remember I was on a plane and I was sitting next to a woman who was feeding junk food, I can’t remember the exact food, it was really bad food, to her daughter who was already obese, and I remember judging. I remember going like I was upset internally. I didn’t say anything. It’s not my place to really say anything. I mean, maybe it is. I don’t know but I was judging and I was like, “What a terrible mom. Your daughter is already obese, and you are sitting here feeding, you’re just adding fuel to the fire, you’re feeding her this food. This poor girl.” By the way, the daughter was like I’m guessing nine or 10 or maybe 11. She was really young where obviously she does whatever her mom, she doesn’t know any better. She knows what her mom gives her and feeds her. And so, I judged the person.

 

But again, shame on me because if I had lived at mom’s life maybe her mom fed her that food and that’s what she learned to be a mom and like you might think, “Oh, but Hal,” this is one of the things I forgot in the video that I also forgot to write down and I’m remembering to share and that is we often think, “But Hal she should know better. She should know better just because she had,” or the other objection is, “Well, yeah, Hal, but there are a lot of people that had a tough life and they came out on top.” We can find examples of people who had no parents or group and a gang and now they overcame that, and they separate themselves and they had amazing lives. Yeah. Great. There are people that have done that like my friend who were hit by a drunk driver and they judge the drunk driver, but I don’t judge my friend based on who she is. That’s just who she is. Now, maybe she’s listening to this. I don’t know. If she is I love her. Maybe she’ll think differently. Maybe not though. That’s her business.

 

Think about this. Let me ask you. Who are you to judge? Are you telling me that you do everything that you know you’re supposed to do? Are you telling me that you’re perfect? Are you telling me that you eat a perfect healthy diet? And you exercise the perfect amount every day? And you don’t spend money on anything that you shouldn’t spend money on? Right? Like, no, none of us are perfect. We all have vices. The point is we all do things even though we know better. We all do things even know we know better. The guy that drank alcohol and got behind the wheel of a car you can judge him and go, “He shouldn’t do.” Well, let the first one of us that is perfect and has never done anything that was not the right thing to do like I try to do the right thing as much as I can, but I don’t always do the right thing. Let the first that is perfect, cast the first stone or whatever. There’s a real saying that goes along with that but let he who has not sinned cast the first stone or something. Anyway, so we judge people who are different. We judge people who treat others differently. The bottom line is we judge people that essentially in the big picture that violate the way we think what we think is right, the big picture that’s what we judge. We judge others who violate what we think is right but what we think is right doesn’t mean it’s right. It’s just the idea that if we had lived another person’s life, we probably be exactly the same, there’s a very good chance and from that place I invite all of you to replace your judgment with empathy, understand that action may speak louder than words, but it is a person’s soul, it is the person’s truest deepest intentions that reveal their soul.

 

And so, I invite you to strive to love all people, all people even the evilest amongst us. I invite you to love all people unconditionally. Of course, beginning with yourself. That’s another topic for another podcast on self-love I guess. Maybe I’ll do a next one. I’m not sure. Anyway, that wraps it up. That was great. So, perfect timing. I love goal achievers, I love you. I love you unconditionally even if you didn’t like this podcast, even if you gave me a bad review on iTunes. By the way, I never asked for reviews. Other podcasters there’s always, I’m the worst podcaster. They’re like, “You don’t have any ads.” We don’t do anything we’re supposed to do but, yeah, leave a review on iTunes if you like the podcast. I’d appreciate it. That be great. Go to iTunes, log in, leave a review. I don’t even know how to do it. But alright. I think that’s it. Best Year Ever Blueprint, check it out. BestYearEverLive.com. Go ahead and check the website. It’s going to be better. It’s getting better soon but I love you, guys and gals, and I hope you enjoyed this episode. It really is on my heart all the time. Whenever I see people judging others, condemning others, disliking others like I was like, “No, like love. Let’s just love them. Love them. They’re just people. They were born as a baby.” Some of that helps me like just realize that person that’s like mean, they were just a baby and then they went through all sense of crap in their life and now they’re just big mean monsters and I’m going to think positive thoughts. I’m going to treat them with kindness and try to set the example.

 

Like, think about that, I’m going off on a tangent here but when we judge other people and then we’re like, “If they’re rude to us so we’re rude back,” like they flip us off on travel, so we flip them off back, that just perpetuates the negativity. It just creates more of them. Again, globally, that’s where war comes from in all of these things. If somebody flips me off I’m like, “So sorry. So sorry,” like I’m trying to use my sign language at the window whatever I can. I apologize. I’m so sorry. If anything, it diffuses their negative like they want to be mad but they’re like, “Wow, that guy was really nice, and he seems genuinely sorry for cutting me off and I guess…” Right? Like, we should live as examples for how everybody should live, love unconditionally. All right, guys. I’m going to cut myself off. I love you, goal achievers. I will catch you next week. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Stop judging people. Instead, love people. I’ll talk to you soon. Take care.

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